I am going to be completely honest with you. I am having trouble accepting my new shape. Body image has completely consumed me since this surgery and I don’t really know what to do with it. Everytime I get dressed, shower, shop for clothes or see an add on tv, I am dripping with body acceptance/awareness issues. I am also writing today from a hotel room in California that has THE most mirrors in one room that I have ever seen. Sheesh. Don’t get me wrong here please, I am thankful I chose this surgery, I am strong enough to know that in the long run this is an amazing gift and that these emotions will pass. I am not whining nor regretting. I am simply stating that I am struggling. This is my reality right now in this moment and I cannot be the only person who has gone through this. When I had my partial mastectomy, I remember feeling all of these things too. However, they had to take a back seat because I was so intent on surviving treatment. My focus was elsewhere.
It’s January and it seems an appropriate time to talk about our bodies. As if it is actually anyone’s business at all! (enter sarcasm here) However, remember the weight loss industry is a 95 million dollar industry, at least it was last time I checked. So it ACtuALLY is a business! Our bodies are a business. FORK-that.
Let’s get back to me and my boobs and my body.
I do feel more comfort in my shoulders and my back. But damn my entire torso hurts. I am thinking out loud here, but I guess my back muscles, shoulders and rib cage need to re-balance with the change of weight, shape and tissue-loss. Re-balance? Huh, is this my gift? I wonder?
There is still swelling and scaring. My family is reminding me that YES! Of course there is, this is normal. I have to be careful not to look at the scars too often as it makes me nauseous. I am so thankful my hubby and daughter have taken turns to check that no infections have started. So basically, I am constantly reminding myself that this is not the finished product. But like seriously, I am so tired of being strong. I am tired of antibiotics, I am tired of pain killers, I am tired of pain. So today I may cry a bit due to pain and change and balance and re-balance and whatever the fork else and that is ok.
I am hyper aware of body image and the language we use in this world to talk about our bodies. I always have been. It’s January and I am here to say that I am so damn grateful for my body, no matter what shape it presents in right now. It has gotten me here to this moment. It shows up for me when the going gets tough, it is truly a gift from God. So I am going to continue to treat it like a gift. I am going to speak kindly and lovingly to my body. I am going to trust it has the ability to heal and the capacity to carry me forth in my journey. I am going to remind myself everyday that loving kindness towards all beings, including myself is how I want to walk forward in this world. I truly believe that radical body acceptance has helped me heal through breast cancer and will continue to help me heal through this. After all, I continue to remind myself daily that I cannot heal a body I hate. I am letting that sink in.
With loving kindness, your Breastie,