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How can I be mad at cancer and grateful at the same time?

*originally published last year as I was just starting radiation therapy

Journal entry by Stephanie Massey — Sep 7, 2017

Hello my darlings, I can't believe how time flies when I am balancing treatment and fun! I have been thinking about you all and hoping life is all that you want it to be. If you haven't seen me lately, just know that I look hot (because Tamoxifen gives me a steady stream of hot flashes) and I am feeling well. My hair is growing back, I am feeling strong and I have had a wonderful summer. It it has been ages since I have connected with you all and I must admit, I have been hesitating writing again. It has taken me a few weeks to scrape around inside my heart to figure out why? Although I usually have all the answers, lol, lately I just don't. I can't decide if I am hot or cold, happy or sad, hungry or full, tired or tired. Lately tho, I am mostly mad ( I know, I hide it pretty well). I am mad at cancer. Yup...I know, I don't know what to say to that either.....looooong pause. What throws me off the most is that I am also extremely grateful for cancer. WHAT? I know, I don't understand either but it is my truth. Here's how this grateful mad thing works... I am mad at cancer and how it walked into my life and tore me apart, how it hurt you, the ones I love. However, I am grateful for cancer, as it has given me the best reasons to love deeper, to care more about the important stuff and less

about the little things. It has shown me a pace of life that is slower and more intentional, with more joy than I thought was possible. It has shown me a spiritual path that was just hiding under the surface of my busy lifestyle. It has also pushed me to say yes to opportunities and no to things or people that don't resonate with me. It has forced me to live in the moment, whatever that moment may be and accept the good moments and the crappy moments. Cancer has opened doors to friendships I never thought I would have. It has taught me so much. It has literally held me down under water drowning and pulled me back up and resuscitated me at the same damn time. I have mentioned this before, but this journey is way harder on my mind than my body. So, what now? Well, I am diving right in to all this gooey stuff and facing it. Writing, journaling and talking with a loved one is my best medicine. Meditation is my best friend. Reducing stress at all costs in my newest ally. I have complete confidence in my team, I ask loads of questions and do loads of research. I am also living each day being thankful. Over the next few days I will be resting lots, as radiation starts on Monday. In fact I will be resting lots over the next few months. Thats just what it's like to be in my brain for a bit. I know, it's some really hard stuff to grasp. I wanted to take a moment to thank you for reading this. You all are such a huge web of support and you really do make a difference. You love and encouragement really does lift me up. I am thankful for you❤️ ❤️Steph

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